urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09 this is where i put my thoughts so i know my father-figure doesnt read them miss_marie_09 2006-10-02T03:48:10Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:4433 2006-10-02T03:48:10Z 2006-10-02T03:48:10Z why? thats all i seem to be able to ask tonight. why does things have to be this way, why am i here, why does bryan feel the need to hurt ally so much, why did mitchell break up with me, why does my g-pa want to die, and most importantly, how can i get up in front of more than 100 of my schoolmates and talk about a subject that im not even sure i can follow through on? i dont know, i think... no i know that God put me here for a reason and there is a reason that all these things happen and i just have to be patient but God, how patient, how much longer do i need to wait? i know that its in your time not mine but God, right now im so lost and confused and hurt and anything else i can think of at the moment. i just want it all to GO AWAY. and on top of it all im not even sure im supposed to be dating the person im dating and * breathes* I WANT OUT. im not kidding im so close to just leaving and not coming back.... i just want to get out of here... maybe go to texas and see brandon... i just want it all to go away. but i know running away from my problems wont help... itll only make them worse for everyone else around me.... well im gonna go.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:4244 2006-03-26T04:38:08Z 2006-03-26T04:38:08Z hehe srry people i havent posted in awhile ive just been VERY busy lately.... with things you dont need to know about.....well im gonna get off ill ttyl urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:3997 2006-03-20T15:40:21Z 2006-03-20T15:40:21Z IM SOO FUCKING SICK of people,life in general..like for example..heres what happened to me this weekend well i got into a car wreck and i have a headache from hell that i cant get rid of and its like my mom follows me everywhere i cant stop thinking about her and everytime sobody mentions something that i can even relate to her i go into this rage where i start to break things and i cry like tonight i called mandie on the phone balling my eyes out( and you know that i dont cry) then i proceeded to rip my room apart when my g-pa kinda walked in on me and said "{ im tired of you acting like this im calling your psychiatrist in the morning and were getting you put on anti-depressants when he's the one causing it in the first place and DONT tell ANYONE but tonight i was ready to kill myself again and now this morning this person who's become really close to me had to be taken to the hospital because she cant walk and move so basically what happened to my mom is happenening all over again and i CANT FUCKING GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN i just cant....it seems like everyone i get close to bad things happen to is there anywhere i can go to excape myself?? somewhere where i dont have to worry all the time?? i dont know but im going to end this... goodbye people ill see you when i update again urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:3655 2006-03-07T01:33:48Z 2006-03-07T01:33:48Z hello today has been a very funny day..i laughed alot and almost got into trouble alot...it was quite interesting ok thats my post for today... BYE PPLE I LOVE YOU urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:3513 2006-03-03T22:06:55Z 2006-03-03T22:06:55Z hey pples something interesting just happened.... i threatened to leave...well it started my g-pa said he was going to go to springfield tonight and he was all like well i dont know what time i be back if i even will be back....and it kinda escalated ( some real nasty words were thrown) and i said fine well dont be surprised if i dont show up at all tomorrow and he was all like you'll come back because you dont have the guts to leave home and i said oh really and walked towards the door then he said if you walk out that door im gonna pick up this phone and your going to heartland TONIGHT so i went up to my room where i now have the radio blasting as loud as i can get it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:3108 2006-03-01T23:44:06Z 2006-03-01T23:44:06Z hey people..whats up not alot here just decided to update my journal even though its about absolutely nothing...go figure i dont know what has gotten into me because like today i've been really bitchy/hyper...but yeah that prolly is a sign that things in my life are looking up..good except for the fact that i have this nagging little birdy over my shoulder ok well im gonna end this and get ready to go to CHURCH!!!!!! bye TTYL ALL MY SEXY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!lol byez urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:2987 2006-02-27T01:05:04Z 2006-02-27T01:05:04Z HEY!!! ok pples i really only have like two things to talk about tonight because both of them pissed me off royaly...well first i got this phone call friday night ( but i just got the message on my voice mail today) from some galena girls ( if thats what you'd like to call them because i could think of a stronger adjective to use) and they left a message on my voicemail saying that i was a whore and a bitch and all kinds of things like that it was kind of funny though because apparently they didnt think that i had her cousins cell phone number in my phone and they didnt block it and i called them and told her cousin to tell them that the next time they decide to harrass me that they need to block their phone number and desguise their voices because unless they do that its just fucking stupid....ok now for the second thing which for some reason made me more mad than the other thing did. today i was doing my hair and i looked in the mirror and i smiled and it was almost like i was looking into the face of my real mom...which made me to realize that no matter how much i try i cant hide from where i came from and what i am...but if i cant change what i am and where i came from and who i am does that mean im going to be poor white trash like my mother and have four kids all by different guys? or is there really something else out there for me.?? i dont know but i hope there is....ok well im gonna end this..TTYL I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:2601 2006-02-26T06:10:04Z 2006-02-26T06:10:04Z hey pples sorry i havent written in a couple of days ive just been so busy and yeah i just got home from joplin like ten minutes ago... if my g-pa knew that i would be under house arrest until im 18 and if he knew what happened tonight when i was with my friends..( cant discuss here incase of intruders inquire for details) i would be killed. so yeah tonight was my night to be a bad girl....lol and by the way what i did had nothing to do with any boys but yeah im gonna end this because im tired and i want to go to bed..NIGHT I LOVE ALL YOU PPLE!!!!!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:2418 2006-02-23T00:54:41Z 2006-02-23T00:54:41Z hey...yeah my g-pa is being a royal ass tonight...he said that i was nothing but an out of control teenager and that my stepmom and my dad were right about me and maybe i should just go back and live with them....so i went up to my room to cool off and like ten minutes later hes up there saying crap like you know i would never do anything like that and i love you and stuff like that...and your not really out of control..and i was all like then why did you say it..its funny that people think that they can just take back the words that they say but they cant because the thought is already there and its not going anywhere for awhile because what he doesnt realize is that i STILL havent forgiven him for what he did to me in the 5th grade..and i wont for a long time because because of him and other people i dont trust very easily because it seems like everytime i get really close to someone they leave me or do something to betray me....all i know is when i finish high school im packing my bags and leaving this place. i dont know where im going i might go to colorado because i like the snow and mountains or i might in up in california on the beach at ucla to become a doctor... i dont know yet all i know is that i want away from my family for the soul fact that it is soo screwed up... i think i was born from a different family and i got switched at the hospital because i am NOTHING like the rest of my family....or maybe i was kidnapped...i dont know by the way i do want to say thank you to all of my friends who have been there for me during some of the hell spots in my life and never leaving me or doing anything to betray my trust. and on a completely different note..my egg-donor called me the other day and asked me why i didnt call her on her b-day and i told her " you forgot about my birthday so why should i remember yours" she didnt like that to well so...umm yeah im gonna end this.. I LOVE ALL YOU PPLE HAPPY LESBIAN WEEK!!!!!( if your cool you know what im talking about) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:2257 2006-02-21T22:34:25Z 2006-02-21T22:34:25Z hey pples sorry i havent updated in a couple of days but today here i am!!! TADA!!!!!! *does an entrance thingy* yeah today was SOO awesome i looked HOTT ( or at least i thought so) but yeah i dont have alot to post about so yeah....ok well im gonna end this!!!! I LOVE YOU PPLE!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:1813 2006-02-20T01:33:25Z 2006-02-20T01:33:25Z hey, wow today has been quite a day...it just seems that one thing after another has happened today..( i cant discuss them here ) it just seems like one of those days where you want to go to bed and forget the whole day ever happened but i seem to be having more and more days like this and i dont know why, and yes i have finnally made the discision to try to convert from goth to something with a little more variety.... i know its a shocker to you people but... i think it will be a nice change of pace..( or at least i hope)but we will see. ive also decided that im going to start to wear things that flatter me more, i mean i have the body i might as well show it off a little ( and not in a skanky way either ) or at least im going to try to..i hope i can do it. ok well im gonna end this...BYE MY LOYAL READERS!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:1601 2006-02-17T23:51:34Z 2006-02-17T23:51:34Z hi today has been another day of me trying to quit my deadly addiction but its funny how everytime you think you have accomplished something that someone always has to stand in your way and try to bring you down..but im not going to give in even though it istempting..lol my grampa is trying to get me to tnot be goth anymore...isnt that funny? i told him i would think about it but i dont know if i'm ready to let go of the person i am just yet or to make a transition...because to me the transition is a scary thought and it isnt going to change the way i think contrary to popular belief. why cant the adults in my life besides my teacher accept me for the way i am? its like im constantly fighting for their love.. but i am who i am and im just not sure if im ready to change that yet..and lord knows i dont want to become a robot like the rest of the world has become. its not like im just gonna swallow my pride and roll with it because im not and srry people my attitude isnt going anywhere i will still be the "bitch" but thats ok because i have people who love me for me and nothing else!! well im gonna end this im sorry its so short today im just dont have that much on my mind today urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:1343 2006-02-17T01:05:56Z 2006-02-17T01:05:56Z HI!!!!! lol im really superhypermastastical( thats a word i stole from my boyfriend...hehe) today and i dont know why really...i think it may be because we had an FCCLA meeting today and i absolutely LOVE FCCLA i mean its soo much fun especially with my friend kirstie. i also think its on the count of the fact that i decided to get rid of something that has been tormenting my life for quite some time ( those of you that need to know already do!) yes i mean i know its gonna be hard but i think i can do it because i mean this thing has almost destroyed my life like twice already so maybe with the help of my really supportive friends i can get this all to stop once and for all...and it NEVER come back.. i know that i will have to live with the consequences for quite some time buit i know that those things are only going to make me stronger. and im not afraid of a little bit of struggle and a little bit of pain. but isnt that the reason why i am here in the first place?? or is it just because i was so afraid to tell anyone how i feel that i just kept it locked up inside until it all came flowing out at once to my expense? well its not entirely my fault that i dont trust people easily...or at least i dont think it is..slap me up aside the head if im wrong... im sorry everything in here is so long peoples..its just that this is the only place i can post my TRUE feelings and not have to worry about them being read by people that dont need to read them.. and not very many people know about my live journal so..yeah all my friends: I LOVE YOU YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!! and to all the people i dont like: PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOR AND ROT IN HELL!!! * evil demented twisted laugh* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA but any way im gonna end this ill talk to all you peoples tomorrow!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:1272 2006-02-15T23:11:55Z 2006-02-15T23:11:55Z my greatest desire is unearthed,where all souls become cursed,a release from my birth.I hesitate picking up the knife, into the gleaming blade i stare, i kiss it to my arm without a care, I long to end this fight. I cant see past the tears, i cant stop the fear, but neither can i stop the blade whispering in my ears. it promises me peace at last it promises to erase my past. so i push the blade into my skin hoping that the blood can drown my sin. as i feel the blood run down my arm,death again flashes its charm. as i push the knife deeper i look up and see the reaper.I am numb i feel no pain, so this is how i scream in vain.from the torture of everyday,but each time i do this, i take another peace of my life away. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:902 2006-02-14T23:13:08Z 2006-02-14T23:13:08Z i dunno...maybe im being a little to over emotional but it amazes me how BITTER my family has become... i dunno i guess right now its just so hard to see the light among all the darkness...maybe im becoming bitter too. But i dont want to be and if anyone of you at school notices that im being a rather large bitch to everyone please dont hesitate to knock me upside the head a couple of times and tell me to cheer up. but anyway i got a rose from mitchell today and it was GORGEOUS. but i didnt get to give him what i wanted to give him because well im gonna be honest i am a chicken. but i will not be foiled.... i have a backup plan..* evil smile* mwhahahaha... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:647 2006-02-12T17:03:58Z 2006-02-12T17:03:58Z dont you just love it when people say stuff like "don't do drugs" yet they do them themselves? ( note: i DO NOT use drugs it was just an example) i mean it makes them out to be such hypocrites !!!im sorry but when you act like a total hypocrite that makes me lose my trust or likeness thereof in you because all that shows me is that your fake and/ or insecure about yourself and im sorry but fake people bug the HELL out of me. or like when your parents tell you ": don't do as i do do as i say" i mean yeah i can understand that they want us to live better lives than them but im sorry when your mother sits there and tells you not to smoke while she has a ciggarete in her hand....THAT MY FRIEND IS HYPOCRISY!!!! I do wonder though, if hypocrites say they can't stand a hypocrite does that mean that they can't stand themselves?? which leads me to another CLASSIC form of hypocrisy Cutters: dopnt you just LOVE it when someone tells you Not to cut when you can VISIBLY see the cuts on their own arms? i mean come one.. does that really want to make you stop? or someone being all like "Peace no fighting" and there getting into fistfights like every other day? im sorry but people like that PISS ME OFF or like when your principal tells you that he is a cristian but in the same breath threatens to suspend you if you wear your christian hoodie to school? ( 8th grade incident dont ask) ok im done...for now...if i offended any one im...wait no im not sorry because if i offended you apparently you needed to hear this!!!!! Peace urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:miss_marie_09:402 2006-02-11T21:37:47Z 2006-02-11T21:37:47Z hello... the snow is melting and im up here in my room just passing time and thinking about my life..about how many people have made promises to me and they never keep them or other....sometimes i wish all the adults that have been or was ever in anyway a part of my life except my friends parents would all go die somewhere. im so fucking tired of being pushed around and played with like im some kind of pawn in there games and my real mother is always to high to even BOTHER with calling...oh well she's to fucking ate up to care about what she calls her "baby"hmmm... i wonder if she even remembers that she has kids...not like she cares about them because if she did she obviously wouldnt have gave us all away hell i still remember her phone call to my grampa "come get this kid i cant take care of her she's nothing but trouble.." then 11 years later my grampa calls my real dad " you take her and raise her because i cant" then just a month ago before i moved " i hope your grandfather can take better care of you then we can " sometimes i just feel like im nothing but trouble and that all i'll ever be .. so i turned to my friends they seem to be the only ones i could ever trust beside my grandma but she died like 10 months ago and now i have to learn to survive without adults...i mean yeah my grampa is there and everything but he isnt "there" so yeah all of my days are spent up in my room on my computer..( when im not at school of course) or with my friends. Ha Ha and people wonder why i dont trust them easily..but thats ok..ok no its not because it makes me seem weird but oh well i have certain people i can trust and thats it. the person im probably the closest to right now is mitchell ( besides lizzy i still love you stella_chan!!!) because he doesnt judge me and is always there to listen when all i want is someone to listen and not give me any FUCKING advice. besides he's like really cute and nice and caring. Like if someone is causing trouble with me he always steps in (but DAMMIT he wouldnt let me hit bri..oh well maybe next time)ok wow this is like really long... ok im gonna end this BYE!